3rd of July

Image by Camera Slayer via Flickr

It's been months since I've been here. I'm a passenger on the the bullet train. For a month I was unemployed and enjoying life, hoping to spend time with Aesha and do some research while living off unemployment for several months. A much needed break. As luck would have it, I was called by a recruiter for a position in the city.

After working for years in all the outlaying areas of SF: San Ramon, Petaluma, Mountain View, Sunnyvale, etc; I've been dying to get and work in the city so when this opportunity arose, I had to take it. Not to mention I didn't know how bad the economy would get and it's always better to have money in the bank.

So I started work at Schwab's as a contractor last week. Meanwhile we had to find a daycare solution - which in the end is working out better than we thought. After much intense googling and researching on the internet, we decided to think outside the SF box. My Oakland search for daycare found a sweet Vietnamese couple (older) who have 4 boys (3 of which are in college), the other only 12 years old. It's only 1.5 miles away from AG's work.

With a new housecleaner and the puppies finding a new home - I'm on my way to streamlining our lives. Still doesn't leave me with the time I'd like to have with Aesha and the projects I've interested in starting and finishing; but it's headed in the direction we want.

Life is pleasant...

Evolution of the word "Mom"

Time - what a trip it is. Some days it flies by and other moments drag. Each decade of my life, it picked up speed. After Aesha was born, it doubled its momentum. There are times when I can't remember what life was like before Aesha, can't remember what it was like not being a mother.

Received an email from a friend of mine about being a mother, and it made me think about how much that word has evolved for me over the past 2 years....I wrote this email to my dear friend KT who just became mom to twin boys.

"I was just writing in my blog the other day about how I didn't feel like a "mom" for a really long time. I couldn't identify with that word. It felt so strange to be a mom and not identify with what it means. After a year - that's when that word finally kicked in. It takes awhile to build the late nights, scurrying to the crib when they cry, watching through the back of your head when someone else is holding them, holding your breath if you don't hear them breathing or able to watch their bellies rise and fall to show signs of life. So many things it takes through a period of time before I was able to really identify with that word.

And now, that word is a part of me and not sure sometimes how to identify myself without it. I don't know if that makes any sense. Just like when you get married I suppose. Sometimes you can identify yourself as being "married" a wife to someone, a partner. And sometimes it takes awhile to say it long enough and to do the things together as married people do before it sinks in. I still can't identify with the word marriage or wife yet. Probably b/c Ari and i haven't gotten married :).

Otherwise, I'm doing great. Still not enough time in the day to get things I want done. I look behind me each week and wished I had more time... more time to be with Aesha, more time to be with my friends, more time to do all the projects around the house and for myself that I know Toni the trooper would have done. Otherwise, being a mom has been amazing and wonderful and so happy for you. "

And so it began...

AG sent me this picture today appropriately entitled "And so it began." This is one of many pictures taken by our doula during the 4 excruciating days of my labor. We are exhausted in a hotel room haven gone through 12 hours of labor - driving to Walnut Creek Kaiser because SF was full, my contractions were 2 - 4 minutes apart and upon getting to the clinic, was told that we were only 1% dilated. It was heart breaking. I was 95% effaced but Aesha's head was stuck (we find out later) and didn't hit the head of the cervix, so it wouldn't dilate.

I had a sneaky suspicion she was stuck - and told my doula. We spent the rest of the day in the hotel room recovering, and when the contractions started increasing in strength again, tried all we could to push Aesha out of her position. It was extremely painful to do this. I wished I would have gone to a chiropractor or someone to help more had I known the situation.

Long story short, she came out 3 days later via a cesarean and a vacuum and our lives haven't been the same. Last night AG was on baby duty because I hadn't slept for the last week. Which meant that AG got 45 minutes of sleep at one given time. No wonder we are all still sick and not recovering well. But we would rather have last night than another night like the one here...

Someday, she will have a child of her own and I get to be the doting grandmother and give the baby back after 11pm. And I will chuckle quietly with evil glee to see her in the same state as me.

Sleeping in her own bed

That sounds too dramatic. She went to sleep in her own bed I'm not sure she'll be there all night (that will be another milestone to post). Lately I've been trying to keep Aesha on a schedule and I hope it's working. I pick her up from daycare around 5:30. It's been nice outside so we've gone to the park or walked around in her little cow harness. Get home and I clean up a bit while she keeps busy in the kitchen doing god knows what. Today, she spent most of that time dumping her bag of cookies into a tupperware, then dropping them into a clean bottle. By 6:30 we get ready to take a bath together.

I've been teaching her how to pull down her pants and pull them up in the morning (getting ready for potty training). We get into the tub and bath until 7pm, put on pjs and she helps me feed the dogs by 7pm. Then we get a snack - usually I'm cooking dinner and she plays on top of the counter. We eat, and by 8pm, brush teeth and head into the bedroom. Tonight I asked if she wanted to snuggle in her bed while we read a couple of books. She loved the idea, don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.

Her favorite books are: (i) Where is Baby's Belly Button? (ii) Good Night Sleepy Head and (iii) Farm animals - where we name the animals and make their sounds. The turkey is her favorite - gobble gobble. Thanks Grandmas for all the great books. While reading the last book to her, I give her a bottle. We finish reading, I turn down the lights even more while she plays quietly with her little stuffed animals - hugging and kissing their toes, mimicing me. Finally, I turn on the music and lay my head next to her on the bed. She grabs my head and pulls me close to hug me, sometimes she even kisses me (so cute). And tonight she fell asleep in her bed within 5 minutes. This is huge for me. I've always had to carry or hold her for her to sleep and tonight, it was so easy - I couldn't believe it. She was asleep by 9:15pm.

I've taken the longer route and not forced her into something she wasn't ready for... It feels really good for me that we got here together without a struggle - it felt natural. All the sleepless months are worth every minute of feeling this natural transition.

Kombucha Tea

About a month ago, a colleague at work bought me my first Kombucha Tea. I had an immediate rush of "high" at work and was quite impressed with its affects. I looked up the benefits of Kombucha Tea, it's origins and was amazed that I hadn't been drinking this sooner. Well, they sell it for $3.99 a bottle Mollie Stone's. You can purchase it for a dollar less at WholeFoods, but it's still quite an expensive daily splurge, especially for two.

I immediately brought AG into the fold and we were both interested in partaking it on a daily basis. So for the last month, we've been drinking 16oz a daily. When I realized that I wanted this to be a daily part of our lives for the rest of our lives, I began looking into brewing the stuff myself. Everything I read on the internet suggested that it was quite easy to do, just a little cumbersome and messy... then I stumbled upon a system that marketed itself as a "continuous brewing system." Meaning that you buy a pot with a spigot so you can continue adding tea to the concoction and pour out of the spigot so you don't have to rewash and resanitize all your equipment. This system was charging over $200. Although I was tempted and ready to pork out the cash to purchase the system (for convenience's sake), my Procurement background had me do the extra steps to research the total cost of the system myself. I discovered that I could purchase each separate item, the ceramic pot with the spigot, the SCOBY (the "Symbiotic Culture") for less than $60.

I then went online and found tons of information on how to brew it myself. It takes about 5 days to brew it initially, and if you want it to be effervescent then another 5 days to bottle it and allow errervescence to do its magic. I added a squeeze of lime for taste, and yesterday AG and I drank the first of the bottled brew and it was delicious. Almost as good as the stuff at the store. I say almost because the bottled tea we buy at the store had other flavors. I've since begun my second batch and am now ready for bottling. This time I'll add ginger and lemon.

If you haven't already researched the benefits of this tea, you should check out some at www.getkombucha.com - this is where the guy is selling his full brewing system. He has a blog on his site where tons of people have written to respond and provide feedback on the benefits to them. People who had diabetes didn't need to take their insulin shots when drinking the tea daily. From my research it appears that the culture in the tea is probiotic and has great stomache enzymes that will help the digestive system, thereby providing support to the rest of our internal systems.

I'm very psyched that my tea has turned out so well and that it was so easy to brew. It's been awhile since I've allowed myself to set a goal and achieve it. So much lately has been about just taking care of the daily stuff and getting through the week. I know we are just around the bend and things will be getting easier with Aesha. In the meantime, life continues and I have lots of plans.

18 month checkup & Uncle Dave's visit

Yesterday we had Aesha's 18 month check up. She weighed in at 20.75 lbs and is 32.5 inches tall. According to the doctor, she's in the 75% for height. Her weight has climbed in scale and she's back on the charts. Not a lot, but at least we're heading in the right direction. I did ask him whether it was normal for her to: (i) not sleep through the night; (ii) sleeping roughly 11-12 hours instead of the 14 hours; and (iii) still taking the bottle at night..

All normal he said, albeit on the extreme side of the normality range. The positives for being a highly energetic, little sleeper is that she's exploring more of her world (thirst for knowledge) and using more muscles. He thinks she's very lean and muscular which is great. She has a cough that's remained from the flu epidemic at our house in February. So we did get an inhaler to clear her airways - yeah, she loves that.

I'm really happy with her monthly results. She's still keeping us on our toes though. Up at least 2 times per night, but the need for milk 4 times/night has decreased which is a good sign that her stomache is growing and she can hold food longer - and remaining satiated longer as well. Her continous cough has caused some vomiting at night requiring both mine and AG's attention, otherwise, she's one healthy vibrant little girl.

AG on the other hand is trying to kick: (i) pink eye; (ii) head cold and (iii) strep throat (we think). It's taking longer than it should due to lack of sleep. Me, I've just picked up another cough - fun fun fun.

Uncle Dave's visit was a sucess. He arrived last Saturday with just enough time to hang out and relax before we all drove down to Union City for a Vo family retirement party. No. 7 was retiring and his children threw him a grand old party at a Chinese restaurant. Everyone there was related one way or another and No. 7 even came and hugged AG and Dave. Aesha had a great time running around popping bubbles and reaching on her tiptoes to grab anything she could from the kids tables (laid out with toys). She had taken off her shoes and at one point, all I saw were tiny feet/legs arched and small little hands on top of the table searching and grabbing.
She allowed Uncle Dave to feed her later with his noodle game. The rest of the week flew by and by Wednesday Uncle Dave returned to Alberquerque.

This month we have Auntie Loan and Uncle Rob visiting. The sun's been out and it's been gorgeous here in the Mission. Spring's arrived, the garden is busting with new flowers (the orange trees are blooming again) and the maple tree has sprouted beautiful dark leaves.

Working at CoffeeBar

Today I got out of the office and brought my laptop to Coffeebar, located on Florida at 18th. I am the only Dell laptop owner here. It's full of young, hip SF'ers and I wonder what each of these people do for a living. How can they afford to not work, or better yet, what line of work are they in that they can afford to lounge at a coffee shop and work? Makes me wonder why I'm working a 9-5 job.

I love getting out of the office and working in this environment. I'm out of the box and realize that there are so many other ways to make a living besides working for the man... All my professional life has been in an office, 9-5, submitting to the routine of someone else and thinking this is the only way to make it. But it's slowly sinking in that it's not, and that I'm only here because I've chosen to be here. Once I no longer choose to be here, the Universe will open her hands and tell me I have so many choices, it's mind boggling. I think that's where it is. Most people are not as afraid to fail as they are afraid to succeed. I've been marinating in this information for a long time and a day like today puts a lot of things into perspective for me. Having a child also does that too.

Post Flu

The family caught the flu while en route to New Orleans. Aesha came down first, but it was mild. We flew in Tuesday night and ordered Mexican food since everything around the area was closed. The next day, it was warm and windy out as we taxi'd to AG's work and walked home. Aesha and I walked the Riverwalk while AG worked. By evening we were ready for a good meal. Since Aesha was sick, we couldn't venture too far. Next door to the Wyndham was a cute restaurant and we ordered a dozen oysters, 2lbs of boiled crawfish and two marinis.

The crawfish were small, it was early in the season, but the oysters were delicious. After dinner we walked around for a bit and headed home. That night, my throat was sore and achy. The next day while AG went to work, Aesha and I hung out at home because I was too tired to take her out. She destroyed our room and by the time AG came home at 5ish, I could barely hand her over before passing out. AG took Aesha to French Quarter for a couple of hours and when they returned, I had enough strength to put on some clothes to go out and grab food with them. The Mardi Gras atmosphere was building. The French Quarter was beginning to get filled with revelers and musicians. We ate at Bubba Gumps - not the best choice, but made do since Aesha was being spicy. After dinner we wound our way to Cafe Du Monde and had the best beignets and steamed coffee. At home, my fever started to climb and by the next morning, I was in the 102's. It was Friday and we were ready to leave the hotel to stay for the weekend at the company flat.

During this transition, we lost some baby shoes and AG's bathroom bag. AG had to run out, rent a car and pack everything while I lay huddled in the corner shivering and achy. He got us all packed and in the car, and within 10 minutes we were on the other side of the French Quarter. Once we got to the beautiful flat, it was much bigger and had much needed amentities, like a microwave to heat up milk and a fridge to keep it cold. We stayed there through the evening. AG went out with Aesha to bring back jambalaya and gumbo. I couldn't eat anything. But by nightfall, my fever was starting to break and by morning, I was feeling well enough to call Lacar, a friend from the old days.

Saturday afternoon we met up with Lacar at the French Market and had lunch together. Then we walked all over the French Quarrter. By 5pm, we were near Olivier's, a great restaurant - had a wonderful romantic Valentine's dinner while Aesha slept. After dinner we headed to Canal street hoping to catch Aesha's first Mardi Gras parade. It was a lot of work to keep a 16 month old in her car seat for over an hour while we waited, but it was worth it. She caught tons of beads and had a wonderful time. We had been out all day and couldn't wait to get home.

The next morning was Sunday and AG was feeling really crummy. Aesha and I went out to the French Market so AG could sleep. We returned around 11am, and got packed for our flight at 5pm. By 2pm, we were ready to find that last wonderful meal. Tons of doggies everywhere dressed up for the Dog Parade. Next to the French Market was an outside cafe displaying the signage that they had the best Gumbo in town. Of course we were skeptical, but when we asked the waitress, she confirmed. So we sat and ordered, and it was the best Gumbo I've had. By this time, Mardi Gras was in full swing and the streets were packed with honking cars and people streaming everywhere. AG flagged down a cab, and we headed back to the flat, picked up our baggage and drove straight to the airport. Both AG and Aesha were beginning to show signs of the flu. And when we landed that night at midnight, it was pouring rain in SF. The next few days were a blur as I tried to take care of both, but mostly Aesha since AG slept feverishly most of the time.

In summary, a wonderful trip, but I wish we weren't always so susceptible to sickness. It was tough being sick at the same time, but thankfully, there was a 2 day lag and I was able to recover enough to take care of my family. My cough has lingered for over a week, but I'm feeling the last of it leaving today....

Happy year of the Ox

I spoke with my good friend KC who moved to Japan. She says in Japan, it's actually the year of the cow. Potatoes, Potaaatoes... I know, but there is a big difference between a cow and an ox; not to mention a water buffalo. I tell people I'm the boar, not the pig. Boars are big, wild; a dangerous intelligent creature to be wary of - whereas the perception of a pig is pure domestication - which would you rather be called?

On the news front, my sister had a baby girl - Phoebe Nguyen born on January 29th at 4:37am weighing in at 7lbs 15 oz. What a monster. I was expecting her to have very little hair, but fortunately for Phoebe, she didn't join the "No Hair" baby club that Aesha chairs. She's a little cutie - you can check out her blog at http://y-tien.blogspot.com/.

What else is new? Aesha is almost weaned. Doesn't mean she doesn't gets mad when I don't give her the nipple. When I'm too tired to negotiate with her, I give her the nipple and within 5 minutes, she asks for the bottle b/c ain't much for her to get. She's been drinking a ton of milk, which is great, but unfortunately, I'm still having to get up every 2 hours to warm the milk in a bottle for her (because no way in hell she's drinking cold milk or even tepid milk. It has to be the right temperature, not too hot, not too cold.) The last two nights have been brutal. The night before, she woke up 5 times and drank 5 bottles of milk. Last night, I couldn't get the bottle warmed up fast enough, and she let me have it for 30 minutes. Finally, I was too exhausted to care and let her cry it out to sleep while holding her. Otherwise, she's been an angel.

More words... Yesterday after swim class, she actually said "water." Other words in her vocabulary: Moooooon; noonooo (noodle), bubba (bubble), dada.... but her favorite word is still no and momma. Momma is used for everything - she says momma when she wants to know where I am, when she wants something to eat, when she wants to be picked up, and when she's dreaming. It's both heart warming and exhausting. During these times when I think about having another, I age 10 more years.

The family is scheduled for our first vacation. We are heading to New Orleans and luckily it just so happens to fall on the weekend before the culmination of Mardi Gras. It's perfect. We will fly in Feb. 10th and leave on the 15th. Mardi Gras festivies begin on the 14th. We'll be there 2 days into it and leave right before the craziness begins. Unfortunately for me, crawfish season doesn't start until March, so my dreams of eating 2lbs of crawfish per sitting won't be fulfilled. I'll have a beignet instead.

2009 - Yes We Can

2008 is over, and here is 2009. Reflecting on 2008 - I don't want to dwell too long on the negatives, since it' not within my nature; but it has been a turbulent year. Deaths of my friend Otto, of Tikva and births - Charlie and several others. What have I learned from my experiences in 2008?

1. Being a mom is extremely rewarding

2. Finding my individuality - while being a mom and a partner

3. Savoring contentment at home 4. Life continues whether you're ready for it or not.

Struggles:

1. Finding balance with work and home life and looking to live out my dreams

2. To work for myself

3. To find my life's passion

Accomplishments:

1. New work position making more money, closer to home and enjoying the people/work

2. More open, compassionate and patient

3. Letting go of the little things - working on the bigger pictures

4. Smelling roses and enjoying my life, my daughter and my love (AG)

5. Acceptance of my limitations, and working towards my passion

In 2008 I went back to work fulltime after having a baby. My work was stressful and my manager was difficult, and yet I worked through it and became a better person. I took on more responsibilities at work, I made the best of a work situation, and I got out from that position and landed a better job. Working full time and raising a child is exhausting - but AG and I have had the best times. Our lives are more enriched with Aesha's presence and I've become more accountable to myself and to the world because of her.

The best part of 2008 is the beginning of hope for 2009. Since the election of President-elect Obama; my spirits have been high even in the worst economic downturn. Hope can make things happen. Hope that the American people want a better way of life, that we're not all greedy bastards intent on killing the earth for our selfish needs. Hope that people are good, that there are enough good people out there ready to make a change. That hope is infused in my daily life and I feel almost buoyant. Life is still a struggle, but knowing that we are in this together, and collectively we understand this, makes a huge difference. It takes a lot of energy to be cynical, and we've been cynical for so long.

So for 2009 - I'm coming into this year with a lot of hope. There's change in the air, feels as if the earth has just shifted again - and we are going down a better path. I want to ride this wave of hope and change - and make some shifts in my personal life. Hoping to be able to write a longer accomplishment list in 12 months.

It's been almost 2 months since my last post and Aesha has changed significantly. I took Aesha to UCSF Children't Gastrointenstinal department. They checked her reflex and her gave her a once over and determined that for now, she needed to increase her caloric intake. Since then, Aesha's eating has turned a corner and she's taking in more food. I believe the signing language CD's have helped her to communicate with us when and what she wants to eat/drink. Also, Karen has helped immensly during the times she's stayed to take care of Aesha on two separate occasions.

Aesha is still small, but she's not gaunt anymore. She's also longer and bigger and so full of life and character. She's constantly signing now and it's such a pleasure to watch her take everything in and process it. I love snuggling with her every day still. Yes, she still sleeps with me, but I can't help it - I miss her so much during the day. We only have a couple of hours in the evening from when I pick her up from daycare to when she goes to bed. As she gets older and communicates more, becomes more of a person/individual, I miss her more. She continues to show signs of stubborness and a mind of her own, which I love and want to nurture. AG and I have to catch ourselves from congratulating her when she refuses to acknowledge us or something we've asked of her. We find it highly amusing, but of course, we don't want her to roll over us. She still needs to be taught some things (i.e. she bites me many times for fun, and I think it's adorable and have not told her it was wrong. She has then decided to bite Nora, another little girl, and we realized she doesn't know the difference.)

This weekend, AG and I get a rare opportunity to leave Aesha with her Grandparents while we jet off to Santa Cruz for a romantic getaway. I'll miss her, but I've been missing AG and our time and am excited to spend a weekend together, snuggling, reconnecting and dreaming together.

Someone pinch me

Ok, I think someone slipped some "sexiness" into my water this morning. Just got back from the gym. Monday, I took a kickboxing class, yesterday a yoga class and today just got out of a Zumba class. No makeup, hair in a ponytail - I heard a bunch of brothers catcalling and whistling... I looked around to see what the commotion was all about, only to find out they were directed at moi. Still in shock, I walked to the cafeteria and got a quick flirty smile and and attention from the brother behind the counter. He offered me extra on my order, and flashed me a sweet smile wishing me a wonderful weekend.

I'm not saying this is all new to me, but ever since I've gotten pregnant and had Aesha, I haven't felt very sexy. There's an extra 10lbs on me, flaps of skin on my abs, stretch marks and 2lbs bags under my eyes. It's been a long time since I received attention from the brothers... so who put the sexiness in my coffee this morning?

Fall, coconut milk and Aesha

I didn't want readers to think that my life is just all about being tired. In my last post, I was tired when I wrote it, and maybe didn't include all the wonderful daily things that happen in between the feedings, work and life. Some really wonderful things that are happening with Aesha: she's definitely learning to blow kisses, calls the dogs "daw"; calls her daddy "da, da" and tells me exactly what she wants to eat by nodding yes or no. She's very interested in how things are mechanically put together, and likes to open jars and lids. Her favorite word is still "no" which I'm sure she picked up from AG and I when we talk to the dogs. Last night, in her sleep, wheneverI attempted to put her in her crib, she would repeat "no no no no no" deliriously in her sleep instead of crying. It must be ingrained. She also follows AG often now and is interested in trying to get down the stairs when he goes to let the dogs out. She is frequently playing by herself more; in the kitchen corner, by the dog's water bowls, in her room.... In summary, we are having a blast communicating with her and the her biggest frustration is with us idiots who can't understand her communicative efforts.

On another note, Aesha had her 12 month checkup last Friday. Our doctor is now more concerned about her lack of weight gain. She has gone from 75th at birth to now less than 10% percentile. I see a connection between her weight gain and her inability to drink/eat milk/dairy. At this age, most kids are picky and where they get most of their nutrition is through milk/dairy products. I've been doing research on lactose intolerant vs. milk allergies. Most infants are intolerant to casein which is the protein in milk, and the inability to break that down. Only 2-3% of all children are actually allergic to milk. Which is why as they get older, they outgrow this and are able to break it down. Whereas most adults are intolerant to lactose, the sugar, within milk. On Friday, we ran a series of blood tests on Aesha to determine her allergies and what's going on with her body.

Dr. Treece recommended that I also take Aesha to a nutritionist. So the last several days, I've reached out to our community to find one. I've also disclosed to our doctor and researched more online about 2vc - the condition Aesha had inutero. I remembered that 2VC infants had gastrointestinal issues and when we had one ultrasound prior to birth, the nurses thought they saw some debris in her kidneys. There is a link between 2VC and kidney-related issues. It's scary to think about. But after discussing the 2vc with our doctor, we decided to do an ultrasound on her kidneys either this week or next. I've also booked an appointment with UCSF GI/Nutrutionist Clinic. I felt that it was important for me to figure out biologically what's happening with Aesha, and that will include a more clinical assessment than the holistic approach we would have gone. Some blood reports came back indicating that Aesha is slightly anemic. I'm hoping that the remaining results will confirm that she's actually not allergic to dairy. I have a hunch her kidneys might not be processing waste properly and thereby causing a reaction in her skin.

My research on dairy also resulted in discovering that if one is lactose/casein intolerant, there are varying degrees and I can give Aesha up to 1 cup of milk a day if her case is not extreme. Since she doesn't have diarhea nor vomit with milk, I assumed her case is less severe. I haven't quite given her 1 cup of milk yet, that will need to wait. Yesterday, I gave her 10 spoonfuls of youghurt, which has a lot less casein. As of today, she's responded well, with no immediate breakouts. I added youghurt to her daily lunch at daycare and am hoping she'll be able to digest more calcium through this medium.

Through my research, I stumbled upon more great health information. Coconut milk and coconut juice is the current "wonder food." Coconut milk is made by extracting the meat, boiling it in water and straining it through a cheesecloth. The coconut juice is the watery substance when you crack open a young green coconut. Both have amazing healing powers, including high levels of lauric acid which is most common in breastmilk and has the ability to boost one's immune system. Coconut juice is also very similar to the plasma in our blood and has been used in WWII for transfusion purposes. It's one of the best hydrating vehicle in mother nature for humans because its makeup is so similar to our blood. This information is extremly fascinating to me since I love coconut juice and always bring tons of it out to BurningMan. Little did I know that my body had instinctually brougth out the best thing for us to hydrate with, in an environment where hydration is an issue.

Of course, I ran out to our Asian market and bought tons of coconut milk and juice. I have yet to figure out to get Aesha to drink the milk and juice since she has an aversion to cold beverages. Today, instead of packing a bottle of rice milk, I filled her bottle with a little coconut milk. I'm hoping that she will drink it if it's warm. Coconut milk is also rich in fat, which Aesha desperately needs for brain/neurological development. For our benefit, I've been making smoothies in the morning with coconut milk instead of milk. I add a banana, frozen pineapple and mango and 1 package of coconut milk instead of regular milk and some orange juice. It's delicious. Today I added raw cacao - which has the highest amount of antioxidants (better than blueberries).

Our GI/nutritionist appointment with UCSF is scheduled for Dec. 3rd. However, I've contacted teh nutritionist (that was referred to me) and my doctor and had them contact USCF to get us an earlier appointment. I can't wait that long to get Aesha on track.

Finding a Rhythm

BM is over, Aesha's first birthday is over and we are all recovering nicely. Slowly, a rhythm to my week is starting to take shape.

Aesha is up at 6:30am - I try to keep her in bed with me as long as possible. But inevitably, she hears the dogs and wants to greet them. Some days I close the door and place her on the floor with the dogs. With one eye open and on her, the other trying to rest, I allow her to wander around the room before getting into too much trouble.

By 6:45 or 7am she is not happy being alone with the dogs. I drag myself out of bed and head to the kitchen where I grab her corn puffs and offer her a handful. All dog bowls (food and water) must be placed out of her reach before leaving her to crawl around the living room and kitchen. Some days, I start the coffee grinding. But lately, she doesn't want to be on the floor and wants to be held. I attempt to make her lunch and mine, brush my teeth, wash my face and sometimes even take a shower, one handed.

7:30 - If I haven't been able to put on clothes and brush my teeth b/c she's tired and clingy, I hand her over to AG for 10 minutes while I make a mad dash to prepare myself for the day.

8:00 - I grab the following items with Aesha in tow to the car: purse, pump, my lunch/coffee/juice, Aesha's diaper bag and lunch. Somehow I get us all in the car, strapped down and head out to the daycare, drop her off and head into work.

5pm - I head out of the office to pick up the little monster. Usually, she's very excited to see me for the first 5 minutes, until I put her in the carseat. Then she's whining or screaming the 5 minutes it takes to get home. I drag everything plus her out of the car and into the house. Most days she won't let me put her down b/c she misses me and hasn't seen me all day. Some days, I get a little respite if AG's already home either he grabs her or the dogs are upstairs and she's excited to see the dogs for 2 minutes. Then it's back to holding while I try to make her dinner and ours. At some point, she decides she's had enough of food or is completely frustrated with me for trying to push food into her mouth.

7pm - we head to the bathtub. Usually, this is fun time and she enjoys being naked and in the warm water. Whatever cups and toys are in the tub, she will use to drink tons of bath water. 15 minutes in the tub, I pull her out, wrap her in a fluffy towel, clean her ears and head to her room where I allow 2 minutes of naked time. By now, she's tired and cranky and I can barely hold her still to put on the diaper while she's screaming and kicking at me.

7:30pm we are on the rocking chair and she's nursing. Hopefully she'll pass out in the next half hour. If not, and AG's home, then I hand her to AG to finish the job. Then I finish making our dinner, eat dinner and wash the dishes. If there is any energy left, I try to do some laundry but usually it's 9pm and I have some time to check emails before she wakes up at 10am for another nursing. By then, I'm too tired and I take her into the bedroomo and pass out. Between 10am and 6t:30, I will wake up at least 4 more times to nurse her throughout the night. Lately, she tosses back and forth beginning at 4:30am until 6:30. Otherwise, everything starts all over again.

On weekends, the morning are more relaxed and some days the family will take a walk to Philz for coffee. But mostly, AG and I are exhausted and one of us is up at 6:30 with her, while allowing the other to catch up on rest.

And how do people do it with more than one child? I cannot imagine having to get Aesha ready for daycare while nursing another child. It's doable, I know... it's been done for thousands of years and happening now.. but I cannot fathom having enough energy at the moment. AG and I are barely surviving. It's fun, but quite a delirious ride and we are always exhausted. I can only hope that at some point, she will sleep through the night thus allowing us to sleep through the night. If that can happen, then I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Now I know how people get old...

First Day

My first day at work... feels like the first day of school. Got my picture taken (for my badge), received notebooks and pens, signed into my computer, filled out lots of forms went to a lot of meetings and met a lot of people. Very similar, except I will receive a paycheck instead of grades for being there.

The Gap is similar to any corporate headquarters, but I realized I've been spoiled working at a high tech software company. Computer access to the internet with little supervision is not common to general corporate America. My first day at work and already, everything feels different. In the past I enjoyed being the worker bee, with my head down and hoping everyone would leave me alone to do my job. Now, I'm mentally aware of every connection I make. I take note of each person I meet, what they do, their title, how do they fit into the scheme. I'm thinking three steps ahead trying to understand each piece of every position and attempting to remember all the pieces of each project that will integrate into the direction the company is heading. I like this mental change. Makes what I do much more interesting.

The commute is so nice. It took me 10 minutes to get to work and to return home and pick up Aesha. I can drive on 101 or 280, and for lunch I can go to all the stores off of 280 that felt so far away before. Already I feel changes, which are all positive.

Back from the land of Burning

We left, spent the week trying to catch time, and returned unsatisfied. That's what it felt like, and it feels like that often, trying to catch time. By the time we reached the gates, we were exhausted from lack of sleep. Thought we could make it up either napping during the day or the evenings. We were sadly mistaken. We arrived at 4:20am Tuesday morning, no traffic - smooth ride. We found our campmates easily but it was too early to set up tent. AG and I took off to the playa for a chance to check out the sunrise. Good thing we did, we never made it back to the playa.


As the sun rose, we found a beautifully lit purple tree in the middle of 8:00 and somewhere. We sat down and watched the sun rise slowly. We found a little chick far from home? By 6am, we headed back to camp to set up tent. We didn't sleep until Wednesday morning at 8am, and then only for 3 hours. I remember mostly hanging out with friends at camp and trying to stay awake. One night, Rachel and CC hung out with us in our tent. We had a little smoke and talked for a couple of hours. It was one of the more memorable nights. By Friday morning, I was eager to pack and leave. The days were exhaustingly hot making it difficult to nap past 9am. AG and I slept possibly 2-3 hours each morning from 6am-9am. I drove all night and reached SF by 3am. We tiptoed in the house, took showers and prepared to sleep.

However, Aesha heard or felt me and woke up. I tried holding her but she wouldn't let me. She allowed AG to hold her but she wouldn't allow me near her at all. My heart churned with guilt. Next morning it was the same. She woke up early and AG took her to the Grandma's to play allowing me to sleep in 2 extra hours from 6:30 to 8:30am. But I missed her so much, I woke up hoping she'd let me close to her. She didn't. So I sat in the kitchen watching her while she played, keeping a close eye on me. If I left the room, she would crawl around to find me, and when she did she wouldn't get close. This little game went on for a couple of hours until I finally hid in the master bathroom and she couldn't find me for 10 minutes and began to cry. I picked her up and she finally allowed me to.

A family friend who works with children and understands their behavior had this to say about the incident:

Hi Ari,
Your dad and Chris just left and I thought I would drop you a short note.Chris was telling us about their week with Aesha and how, when you came back she was "rejecting" Toni. I was talking with Chris about the meaning ofthat behavior and she said I should write to you.
I teach about child development so I just wanted to tell you that Aesha'sbehavior is not only predictable, it is very healthy. It makes a statementabout the quality of the attachment relationship between mother anddaughter. It's Aesha's way of saying to Toni - You are the most importantperson in my universe and I want you to know how much I missed you. If shedidn't care, and didn't demonstrate that she cared that you went away Iwould be worried.
Hope you guys are doing well and look forward to seeing you for our Goodbyeto Trinidad party.

Last Day

It felt really good to drop off boxes of contracts, hand in my badge, office key and cell phone. Last night I worked super late to complete all the projects I promised I'd complete. As I drove off and onto the highway, I realized that I am someone who cares about my words. Although I had some rough times there, I wanted to leave on a positive note, I wanted to make sure they regretted letting me get away. The sweetest revenge is success. I may meet these people again, the telecom world is small.

It also felt wonderful how many connections I'd made with vendors. So many of them responded to my farewell email. I really am glad to have left Symantec. The place felt too cold, very business and little relationship building.

This evening, Rachel, Aesha and I sat shiva for Tikva. I watched Dave and Gal as they opened their home. I didn't have many words for them, I didn't know how to express the grief they must be feeling. I could only imagine if anything happened to Aesha....how devastated I'd be. How does one recover from such a thing? I guess if you had faith that death is not the end, but only another level. I'm not sure how I feel about death. The science behind how our bodies work doesn't allow any room to explain the soul. Every once in awhile, I do question whether we just stop existing when we do. Do the lights just extinguish? Then I look at a corpse and see the difference between what is just flesh and what we have, so much more.

So I have two weeks before starting my new position at Gap. Already, my schedule is full with friends to visit that I haven't seen, and a list of things to complete. It's good that we have that week at burningman to do nothing but enjoy each other, our friends, our lives.

Sending Strenghth to Tikva Ahava Spinrad

I have been extremely touched by Gal and Dave Spinrad's blogs www.growinginside.blogspot.com. They have been so generous sharing their process and feelings. Their daughter, Tikva, is having a difficult time. As a mother, I can only imagine what they are going through and how courageous they are. Our family is concentrating our energy and sending them to Tikva.

End of July

It's not official yet until I turn in my notice and receive confirmation on my background check - which will happen simultaneously. But I did orally accept a new position, at Gap, Inc. last Thursday. It was more than a relief. I've been feeling light and airy since. Pay is about the same with a signing bonus, but the culture and team I'll be working with is more my style - family oriented. Already, I've received "welcome aboards" and "congrats" from my boss and the VP of our group. I'm itching to hand in my resignation letter but will have to wait until Monday.

I'll start after Labor Day - and will have 2 weeks in between for a little R&R. My birthday lands during that week off, as well as Burningman!

This weekend, the family is heading up to Humboldt for AG's 20 year high school reunion. He's both excited and nervous. I'm very interested. We are hoping to leave tomorrow night so the pups and Aesha can sleep through the drive and AG doens't deal with traffic. Friday evening will be cocktails, Saturday there is a BBQ and kids playdate in the Park. In the evening, there is dinner and dancing... whoohoo, just like in highschool. I can't wait to get liquored up. Then Sunday we head home.

Update on the little monster: this week I have been putting Aesha down while drowsy so she can learn to soothe herself to sleep. The first night, she wailed for 15-20 minutes, stopping intermittenly to determine if anyone was coming to her call. I was peaking through the doorway to make sure she would be alright. She scaled all four sides of the crib, looking for a way out. Finally, after exhaughsting herself, she slept slumped over. 2 hours later, she woke up and we put her in bed with us. The 2nd night, she had already realized I wasn't coming, but did attempt to howl for 10 minutes before finding a comfortable position to lean back against the crib, falling asleep sitting upright. AG went in and laid her down. Again, she woke up after 1.5 hours. I nursed her for 5 minutes, then put her down again. This time, she fell asleep while I rubbed her tummy. After another 1.5 hours, she woke up again and we brought her to bed. Baby steps, baby steps. I wonder how long it will take her tonight....

Gorgeous Portland

Last night, instead of taking a train to Portland as originally planned, my mom and Mr. T graciously offered to drive us. They had both taken the day off prior to spend as much time with Aesha and I think my mom gets more hooked each time she sees her. So she wanted to spend as much time, being near her, even Aesha is spooked sometimes by my mom's obsession with her. By the time we reached Portland, my mom felt some validation as a grandmother when Aesha clung to her. As we sat down for a late dinne

r, Aesha the star appeared. She flirted with Grandpa Al all night and was wired - screeching, hollering and jumping up and down in glee when Grandma Chris brought out a little rag doll that has become part of the doll house for Aesha. My parents had a very difficult time leaving Aesha, but eventually they did. I finally pinned Aesha down, turned off all the lights and she eventually drifted to sleep after much excited mumbling.

This morning Aesha surprised me. She has been very happy hanging out with Grandpa Al, no reaching out for me, as if the attachment phase did not happen. That is a great sign. I was worried that she would require attention from me today - my working day. I'm logged in at Starbucks a couple of blocks from the house since I was unable to jump onto any wireless access. These last several days have been wonderful. With the wonderful weather and me spending time with Aesha, it feels very much like a vacation for us. Actually, I would love to lead a life where Aesha, AG and I travel around, enjoy life, friends/families and work from our laptop when we needed. This week is manifesting itself as how I would like it to be.

It's also beautiful here, a little more humid, but I'm a huge fan of warm weather so I won't complain. I enjoyed a rice krispey square with a cup of coffee for breakfast and would sure love to take a walk around the area and not work. We are both missing AG a ton, but so far, this has been a wonderful trip for Aesha and I. I love hanging out with her, she's my best friend. I hope to continue to foster this type of relationship with her; that she'll want to travel and see things with me, talk to me about what she enjoys, what she likes or dislikes, her experiences. I am so excited to hear what she's got to say, she's been saying a hellofalot and I wish I could understand it all.