FEARS

I'm dedicating this post to Fears, my fears. I've been doing a lot of internalizing, thinking, redirecting my focus and envisioning my life in the next 5, 10 - 15 years. Coasting along has been fine for the last 8 years. It's been fun, it's made me lazy, and I've even come out financially better off. But I'm done with this cycle. Granted that in every aspect of my life - I'm even better off than I've ever been - but I want more. I've finally come to accept that desiring more does not mean I'm unhappy. I'm very happy and thankful for what I have. I love my life, my house is comfortable, my friends are amazing, my health is great and I'm more financially secure than many. There's not a day where I question my happiness. I'm ready to start planning. I'm ready to change course. What's standing in my way is FEAR. What am I afraid of? Perhaps if I start writing down these fears, I can actually face them, rationalize, resolove, and hopefully squish them to smithereeens...(jk).

What's my demon? The obvious answer is failure. But that is just the first layer. What are the consequences if I fail? Besides the financial repercussions? What I'm more afraid of is the shame of failing. I realize that I equate failure with stupidity and shame (my god, I think guilt and shame are basics that are taught in every Asian household). In trying to understand this association with shame and failure, I tried stepping into the shoes of a friend. What if my friends started a business and failed? How would I perceive their failures? In all honesty, I'd be very impressed with their courage. So why do I have two standards? Why am I so hard on myself? I'm not sure yet, but it's a good step towards realizing the self limitations of allowing fear to rule.

I have many more fears connected with changing the financial course of my life. Fear of the unknown, paycheck security, fear of being in over my head... But shame is the biggest demon. I'm not close to overcoming these fears, but I feel a lot more courageous just talking about them. Even as I type, there's a part of me that is thinking twice about posting these thoughts, and the other part of me knows that if I do, I'm one step closer.

Which leads to me thoughts of XT, and what she had faced in making her decision to leave a secured paycheck, where she's comfortable, where's she's needed, as well as leaving her community to find her path. I always knew her decision was courageous, but right now, I'm feeling the courage of her actions more than her words. There's a huge difference in that, and my hat's off to you XT.

I'm a believer in action. Thoughts, ideas, intentions are great, but without action to support them, they don't have quite the same punch. So here I am forcing my own hand to act, to be a participant and not an observer. To get back into the game and risk some skin. I know I'm in for some rough bumpy rides (and I hope it won't take too many bumps), but I really believe that if I stick to it, if I get back up on my feet when I fall, I won't regret it. I'll learn some good lessons. Failing is gonna be rough, but it won't kill me. But if I don't try, I will regret it all my life.